Perplexed

Love, you seem so distant
Because my mom is so far away,
My sisters' ears aren't listening to me,
My Dad's hands are not here to pat me,
Friends, some have changed and some long gone,
and new ones don't last.

You seem so distant because i have been cheated in your name,
Because they told me i am fat and i am beginning to believe that,
Instead of fixing , i think you complicate,
So i try not to feel , i heard you even make people kill.

But I still listen to songs that are written for you,
Because it sounds hopeful sometimes ,
Because the other day my friend got married to her high school sweetheart,
Because my grandparents still hold hands as they walk together,
Because my aunt just gave birth to a baby girl,and that makes me and everyone happy ,
" I love you" can turn some people's world upside down and i think that's stupid...

...but well , i guess YOU won
because all this while it has always been about you,
even behind skipping heartbeats , who knew!

A rainy day's note

“ Outside its now raining and tears are falling from my eyes, why did it  have to happen ? Why did it have to end ? “………………. ( forward…. Zzzzzkkkkkkkkk)

I grew up listening to this song “ Big Big girl” by Emilia

 , when I wasn’t as big as I am now and would brawl over what heartbreak could feel like . well turns out it was worst it was more like Adele’s “ I set fire to the rain “ gaaaad that woman almost made me commit suicide. So tonight I was on my way back from work and while getting stuck in the traffic jam which Delhi is famous for on rainy days I was just thinking about the miscellaneous memory and songs that rainfall can actually bring back. Of childhood watching the rain from the window because you weren't allowed to go out , of teenage days when you got drenched in school uniforms while returning from after school tuition classes , of experiencing the first rain in Delhi running up the terrace with my p.g. mates  during graduation, and of a steamy session later on in life where I wouldn't want to dwell on for long so I fast forwarded my memory to the present.

I couldn't help but notice I was a happy person , I wasn't sad I felt nostalgic about childhood , there was no trace of a tragic heartbreak or disappointment. Then I realized that after going through quite a lot of emotions you just stop feeling hurt , the fear of being cheated on, disappointing or getting disappointed , a heartfelt tragedy just vanishes and like John Green states in his bestselling novel “ The Fault in our Stars” …. “PAIN DEMANDS TO BE FELT”  yes it does once you know what pain is you become immune to it because you know exactly how it makes you feel and it prepares you to face any kind of possible future pain (not that I am looking forward to it ) .

And all I could think of was a house that I might own in the future surrounded by a lot of trees with a partially protected glass roof so that I can watch the stars at night and not only hear but watch the rainfall with some few friends I have in mind J , reliving the additional memories that I might have by then , some sad, some happy and some super double crusted cheesy Mills and Boon moment ( EWWW ) . So I must start making new memories because how long will we relive the same moment over and again , this must change , this must be replaced with better ones and so I am dreaming for a future full of hope and promises that will be my own yet again.

OH SNAP !!! the thought process is always interfered right ? this time it is the overcharging autowalla whose auto fare rises depending on the weather, so when it rains, the road apparently  becomes longer  there is more CNG consumption  and the world will come to an end . So I get down from the auto ignoring the horns that the world’s most impatient drivers are honking making my way through the walkway to my place  thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight …

This is how some days end, there should be better ending to days, maybe someday but definitely not today , well chances taken my day's end could sum up as a better end than many others, just that humans hope for better things is infinite and mine is too.

AAaand i am fully drenched!

My Grandmother

A tough one this woman, even on her death bed she ceased to die , with the coffin and fine linen ready to cover her shriveled old body of 107, outlived 2 daughters ,a son and 2 grand children she dearly loved.

Her husband left too soon , so every wrinkle in her body talks of lonely years spent in struggle bringing her children up. Her laughter was like sweet melody to my ear but more than that i loved to hear her pray and scoff in between when she coughed because of the wild apple she might have eaten a while back. 

Rest in peace at last , farewell and happy be , you can now tell your friends why you took so long , because you were busy STAYING ALIVE  .

Post Fathers Day Post

With three daughters in the family my Dad is very guarding. When I was younger and there was extreme water scarcity in Kohima ,he would wake up towards dawn and fetch water from the nearby well for the entire family , keeps the fire place and a pot of warm tea ready for us, then he would sit outdoors with his back facing the sun and polish my school shoe alongside his. To be responsible is what I learned from him
He didn’t know how to drive till when I was a teenager and when he eventually did he took us girls around sometimes and drop us to school safety , security and comfort  is what he wanted to give us. And on days when we got sick he would fret and stay awake fixing us his own home remedy.
I know the long sighs he took sometimes spelled of burden and obligation that mostly concerned our future. I felt so helpless then, as I couldn’t do a man’s work, thinking I could have helped him physically to the least in chopping the firewood or fixing the roof sometimes. How tiring it must have been for him to be the only man in the family. I saw him feeding my Mom food and warm chicken soup when my siblings were born, I stared at them from the corner feeling shy for my Mom and found it funny then, but later on I understood who wouldn’t want a husband like that.
Me, just a mere human being feels unique and special before his eyes like God Himself is looking at me through my father’s eyes. Maybe sometime soon he will walk me down the aisle and I’ll be passed on from one arm to another but until then he has set the bars high for any men I would ever be with, these are the reasons why his weakness, his mistakes and flaws shrinks to nothing at all, because of who he is, my father.

Those are the memories my father has imprinted in my mind. It’s not every day we get to keep memories and learn lessons like this; this is an accumulation of 26 years of my being.  And these are the kind of fond memories that I would want every little girl to have, not of being physically assaulted and abused that too for four years, nay not of sleepless nights she spent crying, not of the trauma that she has to live with forever, not of the dark alleys where she was last molested, and not at all to live in hatred, shame and in fear of men who call themselves father. Let’s just help daughters feel like daughters not victims , precious little ones so very lovable ,let her laugh ,giggle and live , let her grow up to be a beautiful bright  woman ,don’t steal her childhood don’t steal her youth , be the father whose prayer guides her in your absence , let her want to come back and look after you during your old age,  let her call you everyday to seek for a fatherly advice, let her respect you , pray for you and Thank God for the blessing that you are because you have been created in His image and nothing can ever surpass that. If you see some of your fellow friends repudiate fatherhood teach him, tell him and show him how it is done because you are the head of the family, the instigator of what is right and God himself in the most humane form.

Fury unattended

Provoked by the first few seconds of courage,

And later droop for the lack of it till the end,

The voice is always right I know

Distinct, emphatic and clear,

But intangible to my human ear.

Another one of you another one of him

It all happened in front of my eyes,

A presage of derision I never thought by far,

And again and again….

 I fell and I fell…..

It wasn’t much time after that,

Crippled by your actions and my own

Vindication for using myself to avenge,

A folly accomplished that pulled my guts off the brink,

Perhaps somethings are better left covered..... i think.

MY DAD AND ME

My hands are tied,

I cannot see,

This is not the life i chose for me.

But,

My dad says "go",

He'd sometimes say "no",

I say why not "whatever will be ,will be".

He'll also say "do"

God is always there for you,

Its really not as easy as it appears to be.

"I've toiled so hard" he'd sigh to me,

"Couldn't have done much without her(mom)",

So i told him  "God is,was, n will always be there for you"

So dad smiled,

He freed my hands ,

And now i could see what he meant,

I want to be like u wen i grow older,

Marry the right person like u did,

and be the best that u taught me to be!

I still wonder how could he conveyed  so much ,

with the little that he said to me!

When life gave me lemonade!

When life gave me lemonade... i would have just squeezed it into the eye of the person who screwed it all... and perhaps that person would be myself. Having waited for 300 days with patience anticipation and courage... just to know i have to start from ZERO level is really a heart breaker. you may call it as a result of procrastination but certainly i felt i did much better. n i did but well i should have listened to my inner conscience.

Many a times life leaves us confused with either many options open or none... just when you thought you saw light thats when you realize the dark edge around it... just when you thought u know whats right you start to weigh your doubts on it. I thought i knew what i wanted but now, instead , i feel i don't know myself at all. Aren't hard times suppose to make us stronger? aren't they suppose to give us EXPERIENCE? but here i am .. experienced at things that i shouldn't be and to hell with in what i should be! Isn't it suppose to mold you into a person you will become one day? ... but well at the rate of how i am going i can so see who i will be when i grow older.. in fact i even have an image of myself after 10 years from now...  (blanks out).......
.........................and then i say to myself... "This thought should go away... they don't belong to my mind" because the seeds i sow in my mind  today i will reap it one day... and it will be so not AWESOME instead it will all be whithered all to be thrown ... useless n unwanted  this makes me feel so so sad, its like foreseeing a nightmare ... i don't think anyone will want that to happen.

To start afresh is difficult because who wants to start from the basics again but to think of it its a way to recover the mistakes you have done  or your ignorance, another chance to work harder than you did before .... a chance we all want at least once in life ... a chance to prove that no failure can stop you from moving on .. its something only few people get... i might be among one of them but  i have been cursing it from day 1 but why take it as a BURDEN when its a GIFT   Its the whole world that is in some kind of race n we are all busy running ... i don't understand what is it there that we have to hurry about, in the end the world will not count how long you took to achieve it but what you have achieved and of course we all have our own share.

If we want something we have to make it happen no matter what it takes and for that we need deep passion for what we want. Some people make it fast ...but  some like me take time who is still trying to figure out what to do in life. I'd love to belong to the former group of "Some"... but how??? this word "BUT" is screwing my life i wish i could squeeze lemonade on it too... if only it helps. The point is we are still learners n we will always be its just that we have to apply it in our works. Then maybe life will surly start to make sense to us and so will we to the world.I don't want to be rich or famous to the world , i just want to be famous in my family... and rich enough to look after them then maybe my name will be known by some people and my good friends ... and well i couldn't be a happier person. Thinking about all these makes me happy its just the phase i am going through ... cant wait for it to get over... but i am sure it will... it will have to and maybe i will even get to hear the word "CONGRATULATIONS" - the word that seems so distant to me right now.