Perplexed

Love, you seem so distant
Because my mom is so far away,
My sisters' ears aren't listening to me,
My Dad's hands are not here to pat me,
Friends, some have changed and some long gone,
and new ones don't last.

You seem so distant because i have been cheated in your name,
Because they told me i am fat and i am beginning to believe that,
Instead of fixing , i think you complicate,
So i try not to feel , i heard you even make people kill.

But I still listen to songs that are written for you,
Because it sounds hopeful sometimes ,
Because the other day my friend got married to her high school sweetheart,
Because my grandparents still hold hands as they walk together,
Because my aunt just gave birth to a baby girl,and that makes me and everyone happy ,
" I love you" can turn some people's world upside down and i think that's stupid...

...but well , i guess YOU won
because all this while it has always been about you,
even behind skipping heartbeats , who knew!

A rainy day's note

“ Outside its now raining and tears are falling from my eyes, why did it  have to happen ? Why did it have to end ? “………………. ( forward…. Zzzzzkkkkkkkkk)

I grew up listening to this song “ Big Big girl” by Emilia

 , when I wasn’t as big as I am now and would brawl over what heartbreak could feel like . well turns out it was worst it was more like Adele’s “ I set fire to the rain “ gaaaad that woman almost made me commit suicide. So tonight I was on my way back from work and while getting stuck in the traffic jam which Delhi is famous for on rainy days I was just thinking about the miscellaneous memory and songs that rainfall can actually bring back. Of childhood watching the rain from the window because you weren't allowed to go out , of teenage days when you got drenched in school uniforms while returning from after school tuition classes , of experiencing the first rain in Delhi running up the terrace with my p.g. mates  during graduation, and of a steamy session later on in life where I wouldn't want to dwell on for long so I fast forwarded my memory to the present.

I couldn't help but notice I was a happy person , I wasn't sad I felt nostalgic about childhood , there was no trace of a tragic heartbreak or disappointment. Then I realized that after going through quite a lot of emotions you just stop feeling hurt , the fear of being cheated on, disappointing or getting disappointed , a heartfelt tragedy just vanishes and like John Green states in his bestselling novel “ The Fault in our Stars” …. “PAIN DEMANDS TO BE FELT”  yes it does once you know what pain is you become immune to it because you know exactly how it makes you feel and it prepares you to face any kind of possible future pain (not that I am looking forward to it ) .

And all I could think of was a house that I might own in the future surrounded by a lot of trees with a partially protected glass roof so that I can watch the stars at night and not only hear but watch the rainfall with some few friends I have in mind J , reliving the additional memories that I might have by then , some sad, some happy and some super double crusted cheesy Mills and Boon moment ( EWWW ) . So I must start making new memories because how long will we relive the same moment over and again , this must change , this must be replaced with better ones and so I am dreaming for a future full of hope and promises that will be my own yet again.

OH SNAP !!! the thought process is always interfered right ? this time it is the overcharging autowalla whose auto fare rises depending on the weather, so when it rains, the road apparently  becomes longer  there is more CNG consumption  and the world will come to an end . So I get down from the auto ignoring the horns that the world’s most impatient drivers are honking making my way through the walkway to my place  thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight …

This is how some days end, there should be better ending to days, maybe someday but definitely not today , well chances taken my day's end could sum up as a better end than many others, just that humans hope for better things is infinite and mine is too.

AAaand i am fully drenched!

My Grandmother

A tough one this woman, even on her death bed she ceased to die , with the coffin and fine linen ready to cover her shriveled old body of 107, outlived 2 daughters ,a son and 2 grand children she dearly loved.

Her husband left too soon , so every wrinkle in her body talks of lonely years spent in struggle bringing her children up. Her laughter was like sweet melody to my ear but more than that i loved to hear her pray and scoff in between when she coughed because of the wild apple she might have eaten a while back. 

Rest in peace at last , farewell and happy be , you can now tell your friends why you took so long , because you were busy STAYING ALIVE  .